Generation | LEAF

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				<title>Generation</title>
				<author>Christine Wade</author>
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					<persName>Haley Beardsley</persName>
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				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Erica Delsandro</persName>
					<resp>Investigator, editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Margaret Hunter</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Diane Jakacki</persName>
					<resp>Invesigator, encoder</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Sophie McQuaide</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Olivia Martin</persName>
					<resp>Editor, encoder</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Bri Perea</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Roger Rothman</persName>
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				<respStmt>
					<persName>Kaitlyn Segreti</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Maggie Smith</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Maya Wadhwa</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Lucy Wadswoth</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Ricky Rodriguez</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
				</respStmt>
				<respStmt>
					<persName>Zoha Nadeer</persName>
					<resp>Editor</resp>
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				<funder>Bucknell University Humanities Center</funder>
				<funder>Bucknell University Office of Undergraduate Research</funder>
				<funder>The Mellon Foundation</funder>
				<funder>National Endowment for the Humanities</funder>
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					<name>Bucknell University</name>
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					<licence>Bucknell Heresies Project: Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial
						4.0 International (CC BY-NC 4.0)</licence>
					<licence>Heresies journal: © Heresies Collective</licence>
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					<analytic>
						<title>Heresies Issue #3: Lesbian Art and Artists</title>
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							<publisher>HERESIES: A Feminist Publication on Art and
								Politics</publisher>
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									<name>Heresies</name>
									<postBox>P.O. Boxx 766, Canal Street Station</postBox>
									<settlement>New York</settlement>
									<region>New York</region>
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			<head><title>GENERATION</title></head>
			<byline><persName key="Wade, Christine" ref="http://viaf.org/viaf/79919114/">CHRISTINE WADE</persName></byline>

<epigraph>
				<lg>
					<l>I have made distinctions</l>
					<l>Between the child and her mother,</l>
					<l>Yet the difference between</l>
					<l>The wind</l>
					<l>And the sound of the wind at night</l>
					<l>Often makes me dream</l>
					<l>Of falling sparrows.</l>
					<byline>Barbara Grossman</byline>
				</lg>
			</epigraph>

C.’s mother M. is five feet two, weighs one hundred and eight pounds and speaks the
				King's English. She is Protestant. She always wanted C. to speak properly and often
				corrected her mid-sentence. Even so C. doesn’t stutter. C.’s mother M. has blonde
				hair, green eyes and high cheek bones. C. hates to be told she is like her mother
				though in some ways she is. They both have small hands. C.'s mother M. was born in
				September in 1916 in England. C.'s mother M. is British but took American
				citizenship in 1957. She was raised by her great aunt in Preston, Lancashire, and
				went to Catholic boarding schools. She had long light blonde hair and the nuns were
				angry with her when she cropped it short. She liked to ride horses and play cricket.
				She was required to dress for dinner in her home and to eat each course with the
				correct utensils. C.’s mother M. sometimes complained about the trauma of C.’s
				birth. It was evidently very tiresome and painful. She could not breast feed because
				of heavy anesthesia. C. weighed a lot when she was born. She had a big head, was
				fat, and cried a lot.
			K.'s mother K. is five feet five, weighs one hundred and forty pounds and speaks with
				an upstate New York accent. Her A’s are flat and nasal. K.’s A’s are not as flat as
				her mother’s. K.’s mother K. has grey hair and blue eyes. K.’s mother K. recently
				dyed her hair brown and K. thinks she looks funny. She is Catholic. K. always
				insists that she looks like her mother K. even though she looks like her father too.
				K. will reluctantly admit that her legs are bowed like her father’s. K.’s mother K.
				lives in Buffalo, New York, where K. was born and where K.’s mother was born too.
				K.’s mother K. was born in 1924. K.'s mother’s mother was Irish but K.’s mother K.
				was raised in Buffalo. K.’s mother’s mother was a maid for wealthy families. K.’s
				mother K. used to go sometimes with her mother and play in the homes of wealthy
				families. K. was born to her mother K. when she was thirty years old. She is the
				middle child of five children, two sons and three daughters. K.’s birth was
				difficult relative to the other children, but she was a medium sized and healthy
				baby.
			R.’s mother J. is five feet nine, weighs one hundred and forty pounds and has a
				Brooklyn accent. She speaks loudly and is Jewish. She has red curly hair, blue eyes
				and freckles. Her hair used to be bright red but it is faded now. R. looks very much
				like her mother J. but she is not as tall and she has blonde hair. R. is sometimes
				taken to be her mother over the phone although she speaks very softly. R.’s mother
				J. was born in 1930 in Brooklyn, New York. Then she moved to New Jersey by way of
				Queens where she raised her family. When R. s mother J. lived in Brooklyn she very
				much wanted to go to the public school but her parents insisted that she go to the
				more prestigious private school. She eventually went away to Syracuse University. R.
				was born to her mother J. in 1954, was the middle child and her mother's first
				daughter. R. weighed seven pounds when she was born. R. s mother J. was in labor
				with R. a long time but her birth was not painful.
			C.’s mother M. has been a secretary and a sales clerk, although she had wanted to be
				a veterinarian. She is now a housewife, although she does volunteer work for the
				Westminster Theatre Company and takes painting and French in an adult education
				program. While she lived in Munich C.’s mother M. was not allowed to work because
				wives of officers in the State Department were not allowed to work. C.’s mother M.
				lives in London now and is not allowed to work because it is difficult for
				American citizens to get working papers. C.'s mother M. supported C.’s father
				through graduate school at the London School of Economics, but this was before C.
				was born. When C. was six her mother went to work part-time but she didn’t tell
				anyone that she was working for several months because she felt she had to prove
				that she could work and be a good mother too. C.’s mother M. always told C. that she
				could be anything she wanted to be and encouraged her in any area that C. showed
				promise of talent. C.’s mother M. wanted C. to be a doctor, dancer, scholar, writer,
				artist, linguist, a good wife and happy. Most of all she wanted C. to be happy.
			K.’s mother K. used to go to work sometimes with her mother, the domestic servant.
				This was how she got her first jobs babysitting and cleaning. K.’s mother K. was a
				secretary before she was married. After she was married she typed sometimes at home
				for extra money. She typed for Amway Co. at one-half cents per page so that she
				could buy a bicycle for her daughter. Later K.'s mother K. worked in a factory so
				that K.’s father could collect unemployment. They each got fifty dollars per <pb n="109" facs="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/BucknellDSC/heresies/main/issue03/Issue3_images/issue3_111.jpg"/> week, which combined was more than K.’s father could earn as a
				carpenter. K.’s mother K. hated the factory. The workers that worked there were
				mostly men and she would come home covered with grease. The other women who worked
				there were very masculine and unlike K.’s mother K. K.’s mother K. now works in the
				Post Office. She worked at night for many years. K.'s mother K. chose the night
				shift because she thought she would have more time to spend with her children that
				way, but the result of this was only that she was per- petually dazed. K. resented
				that her mother K. had to work so much and couldn’t spend more time with her family.
				K.’s mother K. is really glad that K. could go to college. It was very important to
				her that all her children could go to college. She feels better for that.
			R.’s mother J. left <placeName key="Syracuse University" ref="http://www.wikidata.org/entity/Q617433">Syracuse University</placeName> and transferred to <placeName key="Adelphi University" ref="http://www.wikidata.org/entity/Q4682076">Adelphi University</placeName> when
				she married so that she could live with her husband in Queens. The single-most
				motivation for her marriage was her belief that she could not take care of herself,
				economically or psychologically. Just before she married she wrote to her mother
				asking her to discourage her from marrying. She did not. R.’s mother J. didn’t work
				after she was married but started having a family. Later she went to a psychi atrist
				because she was very depressed. She went for ten years. Six years after starting
				therapy she got a job as a social worker and went to graduate school at Columbia in
				social work. R.’s mother J. likes her job but feels that she is underpaid and that
				the work is overwhelming. She was fired once for taking a sixteen year old girl from
				a Catholic home to have an abortion, but the <orgName key="American Civil Liberties Union" ref="http://www.wikidata.org/entity/Q21637">American Civil Liberties Union</orgName>
				initiated proceedings and got her job back, but without back pay. R.’s mother J.
				wants R. to be able to take care of herself. At the same time she wants, in any way
				that she can, to help take care of R. R.’s mother J. wants R. to be happy and she is
				impressed that R. is living in New York and taking care of herself.
			C.’s mother M. used to tell her she was sick and tired of her derogatory remarks.
				C.’s mother M. used to tell her she had a headache. She used to tell her she was a
				good girl. C. remembers the sound of her mother’s voice when she told her she was a
				good girl. It would make C. flush with pleasure. C.’s mother M. was uncommonly proud
				of C.’s ability to be bad. When C. was very young C.’s mother M. used to tell her
				friends that C. was a regular terror that one couldn’t keep up with for she was
				always into everything. C.’s mother M. was particularly convinced of C.’s
				intelligence and spunk. C.’s mother M. used to tell her about <orgName key="Nazi" ref="http://www.wikidata.org/entity/Q574578">Nazi</orgName> atrocities. C.’s
				mother M. drove an ambulance during the bombing of London. She used to collect her
				sugar ration for months to have birthday parties for orphans and relocated
				children, victims of the war. One time the sugar was really salt and the children
				were disappointed. One night she drove the ambulance into a bomb crater and hurt her
				back. She had to soak it in hot baths after that but hot water in <placeName key="London" ref="http://www.wikidata.org/entity/Q84">London</placeName> was
				difficult to come by. When C. was eight she went to school and told the other children about the Nazi atrocities that her mother had told her about. C. was fascinated
				by war stories. C.’s mothei talked a lot to C. about the war and with a peculiar
				enthusiasm.
			K.’s mother K. used to tell her how pretty she was, especially in the days when K.
				had long hair and wore make-up and short skirts. K.’s mother K. tells her about
				fires, plane crashes, fatal illnesses and deaths due to exposure. K.’s mother K.
				thinks these things are terrible and tells K. about them over the phone. They also
				discuss their family and politics. K. can usually convince her mother K. of her
				political views if she talks to hei long enough. K.’s mother K. has been a worker
				for many years. K.’s mother K. has worked at the Post Of- fice for ten years. When
				she worked at night she used to come home in the early morning to take care of hei
				senile and bedridden mother. Her biggest fear as she was climbing the stairs was
				that this was one of the nights that her mother had shit and then, in anger at not
				having her calls answered, had flung her shit around the room. K.’s mother K. did
				not like to face this in the early morning after working all night. K.'s mother K.
				would clean up, wash her mother and then get her children ready for school.
			R. s mother J. likes to tell her about the bargains she buys. R.’s mother J. tells R.
				that she is too self-critical and too critical of her mother too. R. admits that
				this is true. R.’s mother J. tells R. how pretty she is. R.'s mother J. told her
				once about how when she was young her mother would say to her if ever she indicated
				any fear: Afraid? What are you afraid of? There is nothing to be afraid of," and
				R.’s mother J. would mimic her mother’s tone of voice. It was painful for R. s
				mother J. to have her fears mocked and she vowed that she would give credence to the
				fears of her children. When R. was fifteen she once made a list of all the things
				she was afraid of. When she came to item sixty-eight she began to think that the
				list was pretty funny. She showed it to her mother J. and they laughed together
				about there being only sixty-eight things to be afraid of. Later R.'s mother J. told
				R. that she had shown this list to her <pb n="110" facs="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/BucknellDSC/heresies/main/issue03/Issue3_images/issue3_112.jpg"/> psychiatrist. R.’s mother J.
				was very apologetic, for she was usually invariably moral about respecting the privacy of her children, but R. felt relieved because the matter had been taken up with
				the proper authorities.
			C.’s mother M. often tells lies. This pained C. very much when she first discovered
				her mother’s lies. She cried. Later she felt relieved. It meant that C.’s mother M.
				was, in fact, crazy and it meant that if C. didn’t lie she wouldn’t be crazy like
				her mother M. C. started discovering her mother’s lies when she was thirteen. She
				broke the glass of a picture that her mother had done and discovered that the
				picture was actually a print of somebody else’s. C.’s mother M. knit her a pair of
				mittens, but the mittens had a store label in them. C. wanted to show her mother
				the store label but C.’s sister convinced her not to. C.’s impulse was always to
				treat her mother like a real responsible person. C.’s father and sister often tried
				to convince her that C.’s mother could not be treated like a fully capacitated
				person. C.'s mother M. is after all quite crazy and is to be treated with
				condescension. C.’s impulse is to confront her mother honestly, but this causes C.
				and her mother so much pain and it causes others such discomfort and it begets them
				so little that C. often refutes this impulse. She is encouraged in this restraint by
				her father and sister for it makes things go more smoothly. It is for the sake of
				expedience. C. s participation in this paradigm of protection and this conspiracy
				against her mother, this tampering with reality and this denial of her mother’s
				experience causes her much guilt and anxiety She identifies with her mother and yet
				she betrays her.
			After her last child was born K.'s mother K. thought seriously about abandoning her
				husband, taking her four children and leaving the baby with his father. She realized
				then that she was trapped and lonely in a large house with someone who didn’t love
				her and was never at home. She didn’t have anyone she could discuss this with. K.'s
				mother K. realized then that her children were her only life. She stayed. K. hated
				the way her father used to humiliate her mother in front of his friends. K.'s mother
				K. would be serving coffee to K.'s father's friends and he would deliberately demean
				K.’s mother K. in front of his friends. K. despised this more than anything. K.
				hated her father with vehemence mostly for what he did to her mother. In collusion
				K. and her mother K. used to make jokes about K.’s father. They would get back at
				him privately by making fun of him and making him ridiculous. This was not
				difficult. Now K. and her mother K. no longer make fun of her father. He has less
				power. K. realizes how pathetic and deflated he is, and how her mother K. will need
				someone to grow old with. K.’s mother K. is now slightly embarrassed about making
				fun of K.’s father. After all she married him. The pain of her marriage is distant
				and removed. The worst battles have been fought and won and are of a different time.
				K. feels that much of her mother K.'s energy has been wasted. K.’s mother K. is not
				one to make much of her own needs or her pride. K. feels that her mother K.’s close
				relation to her children, in spite of economic hardship and great personal
				sacrifice, has kept her fundamentally human and enriched.
			R.’s mother J. lived for a long time with insufferable depression. R.’s mother J.
				would wake up very early in the morning and fear that she would not be able to get
				up. R.’s mother J. would feel so depressed she would be physically sick. R.’s mother
				J. was afraid that her depression would prevent her from taking care of her children
				or that she would create this facade of taking care of her chidren but she wouldn’t
				really be taking care of them. R.’s mother J. is a large and strong woman; she is
				athletic, intelligent, sensitive and capable. It took R.’s mother J. a long time to
				believe that she had the power to get up in the morning to take care of hersell and
				her children. R.’s mother J. once threatened to jump out of the car because R.’s
				father was driving drunk again. R. always believed that her father was trying to
				kill them. R. was convinced that her mother J. was really going to jump out of the
				car and leave her with her father who was trying to kill them. After they were home
				R. repeatedly asked her mother J. if she really would have jumped out of the car.
				R.’s mother J. assured her that she only would have done it if she could have taken
				her children with her. That night R. slept with her mother J. and R.’s father slept
				downstairs on the couch.
			C.’s mother M. used to brag about C. to her friends. She often exaggerates C.’s
				accomplishments. C.'s mother M. is very threatened by all of C.’s ideas and
				achievements. C.’s mother M. contributed to C.'s achievements by her sacrifices. She
				read to C. by the hour when she was small. C.’s mother M. has contributed to C.’s
				success by her failures. C.’s mother M. is afraid C. is going to suffer from being
				strong and singleminded. C.’s mother M. has contributed to C.’s strength through a
				passionate and intensive faith in her. C.'s mother M. loves her very much. C. hates
				her mother M. and is sure that her mother is determined to destroy her. She
				exaggerates this hatred in order to protect herself from identifying with her mother
				M., who she perceives as a defeated person. Recently however, in an unguarded
				moment, C. felt overwhelmed with compassion and gratitude towards her mother. It was
				a tremendous relief to C. to feel compassionate towards her mother. C. identifies
				with her father. Her father embodies and symbolizes intellectual freedom, economic
				independence, and the ability to reason and articulate. To identify with her mother
				means destruction and defeat but to identify with her father means she betrays her
				mother, who loves her very much.
			K.’s mother K. always talked to K. about most things but never showed extreme emotion
				or despair. K.'s mother K. never cries. K. doesn’t cry. It doesn’t make K. feel
				better to cry, so she doesn’t. The only time K. feels near tears is when she is
				talking or thinking about her mother K. When K. went away to college she had to
				leave her mother K. It was the most difficult thing K. ever had to do in her life.
				It has been the hardest separation, but the four years of K.’s college education
				have separated her permanently from her mother. K. often fantasizes about being
				reunited with her mother K. She jokes about her mother coming to live with her. She
				jokes about moving back to Buffalo, New York, to live with her mother K. when she
				gets old. K.’s mother K. didn’t send her a valentine this year. K. fears that her
				mother will stop loving her if she tells her she is a lesbian. K. fears that this is
				the one thing that would come between her and her mother K., although her mother K
				loves her very much. Recently K. started work as a carpenter. She used to be a
				waitress. Working as a carpenter makes her feel odd because her father is a
				carpenter. When she is having a particular problem she swears, muttering to herself,
				and swings her hammer recklessly. <pb n="111" facs="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/BucknellDSC/heresies/main/issue03/Issue3_images/issue3_113.jpg"/> This behavior reminds her of her
				father and she fears being ridiculous like her father. Identification with her
				father is dangerous and oppressive to her, but carpentry pays better than
				waitressing and is more gratifying.
			R. sometimes cried when she was a child for reasons unknown to anybody else. R.’s
				mother J. would comfort and soothe her but R.’s heightened sense of pain perplexed
				her mother J. R. used to cry sometimes and get hysterical. She would panic and have
				trouble breath- ing. R.’s mother J. would come to her room and hold her and R. would
				listen intently to the beating of her mother J.’s heart. R. was terribly afraid that
				her mother J.’s heart would stop beating and her mother J. would be dead. Once when
				R. was twelve she went away to camp and was hysterically homesick. She panicked. She
				was afraid that she was going to have to either jump over the balcony or go home.
				Both choices were frightening and humiliating. R.’s mother J. came to see her and
				convinced her to stay at camp. R. had been afraid that her mother J. would be
				overcome with guilt and allow her to go home. R. was afraid that her mother J.
				needed her as much as R. needed her mother J. and that kind of bond would be
				terrible and terrifying. But her mother) was very calm and talked to R. quite
				normally. Her mother J. instilled her with strength. Her mother J. took her to <placeName key="Great Barrington" ref="http://www.wikidata.org/entity/Q1144518">Great
				Barrington</placeName> to visit a friend for the day and they went for a walk beside the lake.
				R.’s panic went away. R. went back to camp for two weeks and had a pretty good time.
				R. was grateful to her mother and proud of being able to stay at camp.
			C.’s mother M. punished her severely once for lying about spraying her friend with
				moth killer. C. was afraid of being punished for what she had done so she lied about
				it. Her mother explained to her very carefully that she was not being punished for
				spraying her friend with moth killer but she was being punished for lying. C. always
				felt very guilty about lying but she compulsively told stories to make her life
				more exciting, to present herself in a better light, to exonerate herself, to present herself as someone else, and to protect herself. She was terribly sensitive to
				the opinion of others and spent a lot of time figuring out what was expected of her.
				Nevertheless C. was naughty, mischievous and disobedient. C.’s mother M. both
				encouraged her and punished her when she was bad.
			K. was always a very good girl like her mother K. was when she was young. K. never
				had any real conflict about being good. It hardly ever occurred to her to be bad. It
				almost always made sense to be good to help and please her mother K. When K.’s
				mother K. worked in the Post Office K. would take care of the younger children and
				make sure they got to school. K.’s mother K. used to prepare dinner and serve it to
				her family. When there weren’t always enough places at the table her mother K. would
				stand while everyone else ate. Nothing would induce K.’s mother K. to sit with the
				rest of them until K. stood and ate beside her mother K. Then her mother K. saw how
				ridiculous it was and sat down with the rest of them to eat. K. wants to protect her
				mother from the deprivations of working class life. K.’s mother K. never wants or
				will take anything for herself. She spends all her money on her children. K.’s
				sister once remarked to K. that there was no way one could ever repay Mom. K. thinks
				she is right. K. is eternally grateful to her mother K.
			R. at times has been her mother J.’s friend and confidant. When R.’s mother J. was
				getting her separation and divorce R. would come home from school on vacations and
				she and her mother J. would have long talks about the situation. They would cry
				together. R.'s mother J. told R. that she never felt as intelligent or as capable as
				R.’s father although now she realized that she was. R. had known this for a long
				time. R.’s mother J. told R. that she finally realized that their friends as a
				couple were really her friends. R.’s mother J. asked R.'s advice about breaking the
				news to R.’s younger sister. R. was the first to know. R.’s mother J.’s divorce was
				long overdue. R. was relieved that it finally happened. It made both R. and her
				mother J. feel autonomous. Two years after her mother J.’s separation R. told her
				mother that she is a lesbian. R. felt that her mother R.'s not knowing was a
				prevarication not befitting their relationship. R. knew that this would not please
				her mother J. and it was the first time that she had ever consciously displeased her
				mother J. Telling this to her mother J. created a certain distance and caution in
				their relationship, but R. feels that this is, for the time being, a necessary
				relief.
			<metamark/>
			 C.’s mother M., K.’s mother K., and R.’s mother J. are afraid that C., K., and R
				will suffer from not being loved by men. C.’s mother M., K.’s mother K., and R.'s
				mother J. have suffered mostly in their lives from the loving of men. It is a strain
				this thing called loving of men because it means the serving of men and their interests. Having sacrificed their lives they also want to sacrifice the lives of their
				daughters. Limited in their choices they see the extension of their history through
				their daughter’s lives as logical, natural, and inevitable. C., K., and R. reject
				this and hurt their mothers’ feelings. They reject their mothers and separate
				themselves to avoid identifying with their mothers. They feel guilty when they hurt
				and reject their mothers and their mothers’ notions of their lives. Life is about
				sacrifice and giving of self. Life is not complete without the loving of men.
			C.’s mother M., K.’s mother K., and R.’s mother J. are afraid that C., K., and R.
				will suffer by loving men. They say that their husbands and men in general are
				selfish, insensitive, and incompetent. They have warned C., K., and R. that men are
				dangerous and ruinous and can hurt and maim. More often they say that men are
				ridiculous.
			C., K., and R. say that men are selfish, insensitive, and incompetent. They tell
				their mothers that men are dangerous and ruinous and have hurt and maimed. More
				often they say that men are ridiculous. Their mothers feel guilty about denigrating
				men to their daughters. They reconsider. Not all men are so bad as their husbands.
				Even their husbands are not so bad - not quite so bad as they might have previously
				indicated in a moment of unguarded anger or frustration. Nothing is so bad as
				hearing their daughters denigrate men so severely, thereby ruining their chances for
				happiness through the loving of men. Twenty or thirty years of marriage with someone
				who is selfish and incompetent was really not so bad. These were their lives and
				they <pb n="112" facs="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/BucknellDSC/heresies/main/issue03/Issue3_images/issue3_114.jpg"/> had their children. They made their sacrifices for the general
				good and for the good of their daughters. It was really not so bad.
			C., K., and R. are painters. It is their primary professional identity, although
				they read, write, dance and play basketball. They don’t wish to explain why they
				paint and what they paint. They paint because it enriches and intensifies all other
				aspects of their experience. They paint because it is the most poignant way to be
				alone that they know. They paint abstract oil paintings. They paint small awkward
				images. At times they have trouble getting into their studios to paint and at times
				it is a relief to them to go into their studios to paint. Often working for money
				gets in their way and sometimes their social life does. Sometimes they retreat from
				their social life into their studios. They are looking forward to a time in their
				lives when they establish productive and even-keeled working patterns. There is
				something about completion that frightens them. If they complete a work and say that
				it is finished they invite judgment from their public. They invite others to
				consider them seriously as women who are artists or as artists who are women. As yet
				their audience is very small. They try to work eclectically. The idea of the “Big
				Idea," the masterpiece, encouraged so systematically by their art professors in
				college, is an anathema to them. They are gathering little ideas and putting them
				together in their studios.
			C.’s mother M. likes art and even draws and paints herself. C.’s mother M. likes the
				Impressionists but doesn’t like Picasso. Recently C.’s mother M. walked through C.’s
				studio and told C. that her work was dreadful. C.’s mother M. thinks that C. is
				wasting her talent. C.’s mother M. thinks that non-objective abstract painting is
				"on its way out." After this incident C. asked her mother M. not to comment on her
				work.
			K.’s mother K. likes art. She likes the Impressionists, <persName>Turner</persName> and <persName key="Church, Frank" ref="http://viaf.org/viaf/8714149068553865730003/">Frank Church</persName>. K.’s
				mother K. reads art books. K. took her mother K. to see the <orgName key="Clyfford Still" ref="http://dbpedia.org/resource/Clyfford_Still">Clyfford Stills</orgName> in the
				<placeName>Albright-Knox Museum</placeName> in Buffalo, New York. Now K.'s mother K. likes Clyfford Still.
				K.’s mother K. doesn’t understand K.’s work and K. feels it is beyond her power to
				explain it to her so they never talk about it. R.’s mother J. is not very interested
				in art. R.’s mother J. doesn’t understand R.’s work but recognizes its importance to
				her. When R. was at college she always told her mother J. that she never did enough
				work. In the spring R.’s mother J. came to see her show and cried at seeing the huge
				space that R.’s work filled up. She told R. that she had believed her when she said
				that she had not worked enough, but here was evidence very much to the contrary.
				R.’s mother J. was very pleased with R.’s work.
			C., K., and R. are dedicated to the difference between their lives and their mothers’
				lives. Both the dedication and the difference are spontaneous, impulsive and reactionary. Both the dedication and the difference are calculated, controlled and
				premeditated. It is absolutely necessary that distinctions between their mothers and
				themselves are recognized and ritualized. Although the compulsion to preserve
				alternatives in their lives makes them contrary, recalcitrant and enigmatic to their
				mothers, they feel great compassion for their mothers. C., K., and R. feel that very
				easily the choices of their lives could be circumscribed and narrowed. They feel
				that their destinies could be stolen from them. The world that took power from their
				mothers’ lives is still dedicated to taking power from the lives of their mothers’
				daughters. They protect themselves by living without men. They feel safety in their
				tangency and take pride in their marginal status. Öften when dealing with the world
				beyond their lofts they feel angry, ostracized and endangered. It is a confusion in
				their minds as to whether they are the elect or the outcast. Whether they have been
				saved or damned is a question they have not quite settled in their minds. At times
				they feel that their identity as lesbians and artists is fierce and pronounced and
				they wear it on their sleeves. At times they feel small, doubtful and powerless and
				they are silent.
			C.’'s mother M., K.’s mother K., and R.’s mother J. are intensely involved in either
				their chidren’s lives or some mythological concept of their children’s lives. It
				relieves responsibility and urgency from their own lives. Their children give them a
				sense of purpose and make it all seem worthwhile. They are both proud that their
				daughters are different and terrified that their daughters are different. They have
				experienced both the privilege and the bondage of their particular class of women
				and in their realized value system they endorse the choices of their lives. But in
				their secret places where the shards of unrealized self-worth and independence lay
				scattered and disguised by years of subservience to their men and their children,
				they are envious—are even glad for the difference in their daughters’ lives,
				although they must keep this gladness secret, even from themselves.
			There is a joke among C., K., and R. about whose mother loves them most. It is a
				perpetual contest and won in various ways, at various moments by various contenders.
				If K.’s mother calls her long distance then she loves her more than C.’s mother
				loves C., but if R.'s mother sends her home with half a turkey and lasagna then her
				mother loves her most. C.’s mother knits and sends her a cable knit sweater which
				fits her perfectly. C.’s mother loves her more. Mothers’ love is unconditional,
				all-embracing and expressed directly with aid to real survival needs. If their
				mothers care about them they are at least partially immune to the taxation of survival and the terrors of the world.
			There is a joke among them that they can do anything they want because their mothers
				aren’t present. Their choices and capacities are limitless because they are beyond
				the realm of control of their mothers. They are free to be mean and ugly and go out
				immediately after washing their hair, while it is still wet. They stay up late, eat
				poorly, and dress improperly. They can drink beer out of cans. They can come and go
				as they please, earn money, and yell coarsely at men who harass them on the
				street.
			C., K., and R. sometimes think of their mothers when they are with their lovers. They
				think of their mothers shock and repulsion that they are with their lovers. They
				think that their mothers hate them. They think how extraordinary to be enfolded once
				again in the arms of a woman, flesh of their flesh. They think that their mothers
				love them. They think that if their mothers had this loving of other women instead
				of the endless battle in which women are culturally predetermined to submit
				economically, socially and psychologically to men, they would have had a better time
				of it. They project their hopes onto their mothers and fantasize about their <pb n="113" facs="https://raw.githubusercontent.com/BucknellDSC/heresies/main/issue03/Issue3_images/issue3_115.jpg"/> mothers seeking and finding the tenderness of other women. They make
				jokes about discovering their mothers in a lesbian bar. The lesbian bar is often a
				des perate setting for those seeking tenderness and affirmation. But perhaps not
				so desperate as the setting of their mothers’ lives. There would M., K., and J. sit
				in a corner as their daughters might sit, looking at other women and discussing
				sexual politics. The impossibility and the possibility of this vignette provides the
				laughter that buffers the painful recognition of the limits of their mothers’ lives.
				They want the best for their mothers. They only want their mothers to be happy. In
				moments of a more earth-seated reality they do not fantasize about the possibilities
				of their mothers’ lives.
			In spite of contemporary technology and a deep-rooted, puritanical sense of
				responsibility, C. has become pregnant twice and has had two abortions. The
				pregnancies were detected within the first five weeks, the operations were paid for
				by medical insurance and were painless. The surgeon and anesthesiologist were highly
				qualified and competent and she received emotional support and solace from her
				friends and lover. She stopped sleeping with men. K. dislikes penetration, its
				concept and its physicality. Incidental friction is not adequate criteria for sexual
				fulfillment for very long. She stopped sleeping with men. R. feels that the men that
				she slept with presumptively raped her. She stopped sleeping with men. Sex with men
				is irreversibly connected in their minds with violence to their bodies and their
				psychologies, and their participation in the phallus-oriented sexuality of their
				past is irrevocably connected in their memories with a willful and shameful masochism and an unnecessary risk of death. Through lesbianism, C., K., and R.
				axiomatically and coincidentally reject phallus-oriented sexuality and the
				institution of motherhood. They believe that the revolution begins at home
			C., K., and R. hate and fear the power that men have in the world. They make fun of
				male genitals in a way that would shock and frighten their mothers. Their mothers,
				in varying degrees, prefer their daughters to be polite and demure. Making fun of
				male genitals is unnecessarily defensive, adolescent and unkind. It threatens the
				god-head. It threatens the idea of mutual respect.
			C., K., and R. fear rape. They fear that having seized the means of production it
				will be seized back from them. They wear sneakers with the possibility of escape in
				their minds. They walk in the street psychologically prepared for attack. Sometimes
				they take cabs. They feel angry that their lives are circumscribed by the imminence of rape. If they were raped the practical control of their lives would
				return to men. The doctors, the police and the courts—the vehicles for protection
				and retribution are too connected with the perpetration of the crime. There are no
				vehicles for protection and retribution. The power of recovery would have to be
				generated from within. It would tax their capabilities and undermine their
				humanity. The thought of what it might require of them is beyond their imagination
				and beyond their imagination is the realm of their fear.
			C., K., and R. read a lot; voraciously, but never enough. They will readily and
				easily discuss whatever they are reading with each other and with other friends.
				With new or hard-to-find books there is a general clamor to be either first or
				next. It is a matter of pride to be first to track down and acquire certain books.
				C., K., and R. want to be writers. It is a more acceptable profession to them and
				to the world than that of the artist. They enjoy the power of the word. It is so
				tangible. They sleep with their dictionaries beside them in their beds. When either
				of them finds a new word to their liking they give it, almost as a gift, to the
				others; and when acknowledged it is added to the lexicon of the community. They read
				voraciously but never enough. They scribble in their journals. When they apply for
				part-time jobs in the business community, they say, by way of explanation of their
				desire to work part-time, that they are writers. They don’t wish to explain why they
				paint and what they paint. Mostly they disdain not being taken seriously. Women as
				artists are not taken seriously. Women in general are not taken seriously. Their
				mothers were never taken seriously and C., K., and R. have been mocked in their
				lives for taking themselves so seriously. They are sometimes afraid to take
				themselves seriously, for this is a great demand which they, at times, feel
				unprepared for.
			Recently they went to a free health screening clinic. Each of them took something to
				read. C. took The Spoils of Poynton, by Henry James. K. took Our Blood, by Andrea
				Dworkin. R. took Gothic Tales, by Isak Dinesen. They ended up reading pamphlets
				about gay venereal disease. At the clinic they pretended they were each trying out
				for the leading role in a film. They argued about who got the part. All three had to
				come back for another appointment. K. and R. had slight vaginal infections and C.
				had to reschedule a Pap smear because it was the first day of her period. C.
				insisted that the nurse put down on her chart that she is five feet seven although
				she is only five six. R. and K. discussed the pleasures of having their breasts
				examined. None of them had anemia in spite of a poor and irregular diet.
			Although C., K., and R. all want to be movie stars they are afraid to be romantic or
				sentimental. They are more comfortable with their cynicism. They are afraid people
				will think that they are romantic and sentimental. There is a certain myth that
				women in their thoughts and language are sentimental and this sentimentality
				undermines and diminishes the content and validity of their ideas. This myth
				pervaded the atmosphere of their education and it strikes fear in their hearts
				that they should be thought sentimental. The people that they meet and know think
				that they are unusually hard and articulate. C., K., and R. are afraid to talk about
				ideas—especially ideas about art. Their education provided a language for this
				purpose and it is used most deftly and casually by the boys in the business. But C.
				K., and R. choke on it and it makes their tongues swell. It makes them avert their
				eyes. They avoid using it, have nothing to replace it and they think that they are
				better off without it. This language is deficient in its ability to describe the
				motivating force and purpose of their art. This language bypasses all the immediate
				feelings involved in making art and imbues the work with a false pride and a false
				esoteric theory of making art. Sometimes when dealing with the double-edged myth of
				what constitutes womanhood and reacting to its destructive polarity they are caught
				between its edges in a place where nothing is yet defined or understood; no
				language, no concept—only the impulse to repudiate. They are left with the
				necessity of inventing a suit<pb n="114"/>able language for sharing ideas, but as
				yet they are often mute. Their silence both protects and isolates them.
			Rather than pledge themselves to love they have pledged themselves to their work and
				they romanticize about their commitment as diligently as others romanticize about
				love. They resign themselves to the clarity of loneliness as others resign
				themselves to the confusion of love. And for the same reason: they see no other way
				to live. It has become a noble idea. They will, however, probably be no lonelier
				than others, nor will they love less, nor be loved less. It confuses their mothers
				some times that they refuse to dedicate themselves to love. Their daughters cynicism
				is cryptic. They can’t understand what caused it, although they above all should
				know.
			C., K., and R. are interested in what they euphemistically call “the work"; ie.
				painting and literature, a body of feminist/socialist ideas, as yet ill-defined and
				inchoate. These interests take a certain responsibility from the role of love in
				their lives. They prefer to depend on friendship, for after investing in a
				friendship for awhile it seems more dependable and sometimes more interesting than
				love and investing in love takes energy from their work. Not investing in love,
				however, closes them up, limits their vision, narrows their experience and
				eventually takes energy from their work. They try maintaining a balance somehow
				between love, friendship and work. As in any triangle, however, one is always
				betrayed: the love, the friendship or the work. At any given moment one of these
				things is in some way betrayed; one of these things is always a usurper,
				uncontrolled and recalcitrant. The idea is to integrate and coalesce, but the
				difference between the conception and the reality is often great. There is conflict.
				They dream. They fantasize. They talk a lot. They discuss these things and they
				think about them diligently.
			There is a joke among C., K., and R. about the pilfering of ideas as if there were
				too few to go around. This joke is a parody of professional competitiveness. They
				have seen it often among the Artists, and they were educated in an environment where
				this concept of sacrosanct Idea—pure in its divorce from personal feeling, large and
				conceptual and abstract—prevailed. Naturally the Idea is coveted. The Idea is the
				means to recognition. What they have been painfully conscious of is that they are
				afraid that their ideas are poor and at the same time that someone might steal their
				not so good ideas and perhaps put them to some better use or make them somehow seem
				more glorious than they can make them. They protect them by casually intimating
				their subject matter for certain projects and by announc ing certain intentions and
				by staking claim to certain contents and constructs. They want to be both original
				and brilliant. They want individual recognition. This joke about the pilfering of
				ideas rests a little uncomfortably with them. If most of the professional
				recognition (and with it, money) is for men and women’s ideas aren’t pure anyway
				then what morsels or esteem are left to split amongst them? Who gets what? But what
				they also realize is that they are forging with their lives a collective of ideas, a
				new concept of idea; perhaps even an ideology. By implementing their ideology they
				will beget a forum. They will recognize themselves. Whereas their mothers suffered
				in isolation, without hope of individual recognition, without support and without
				ever being taken seriously, they have in their small circles intermingled with their
				political struggles, a wealth of information and a beginning of a counter system.
				Their hope is that they don’t ponder alone, that their ideas belong not to any one
				of them, but to all of them at once. That which one of them can’t articulate in a
				moment, another of them will in the next.
			What interests them most is that which is not yet expressed; ideas that have not yet
				found words, a body of experience and a system of education whose processes are not
				impaired (at least at the instance of conception) by the dogma of male institutions.
				It is the Little World, this interaction between them, and it is their opportunity
				and the purpose of their lives to endow the Little World with the credence and
				magnitude ordinarily attributed only to the Big World.
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			 Christine Wade is a painter and computer programmer who lives in New York City.
				Thanks to <persName key="Grossman, Barbara, 1943-" ref="http://viaf.org/viaf/29151963691100312598/">Barbara Grossman</persName> for permission to quote the last lines of her poem "I Am
				Strong. 
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